"Here's some cat food. Oh, and the lever from an armchair."

The other day, my maternal grandmother thought of me and prepared a care package of sorts for my million cats. She packed it all in a brown bag and had my aunt leave it on my back porch a few days ago while I was at work.

I arrived home and brought the bag in and peeked inside. My thoughtful grandmother had packed enough cat treats to last my herd of felines the rest of the year, as well as about twenty cans of wet cat food (note to readers: wet cat food is like blow for cats- I'd have to give them this stuff in moderation or I'd never get them to eat dry food again. Ever.).

Then I noticed something else in the bottom. It looked like a wooden cook spoon or something. Closer inspection revealed that it was not, in fact, a wooden spoon but rather the lever to a La-Z-Boy chair.

Oh, Grandma.

I knew what this was about. Grandma had presented my sister with the same exact "gift" months ago. See, my grandmother cleans for La-Z-Boy furniture two mornings a week. Apparently at some point during one of her shifts, her eyes fell on a recliner with a wooden lever and a giant light bulb went off above her head as she thought, "Golly gee, that chair lever could be used as a self-defense weapon!"

Yeah, my grandma wants her granddaughters to carry recliner levers in their cars and use them on would-be attackers. Not pepper spray, a switchblade or hairspray and a lighter (all much more my speed)... a recliner lever.

I looked at the lever, held it up in the air for a second. I swung it a few times. It was a bit short for my taste- I'd have to be really close to the attacker to inflict any damage.

I wondered how many recliners out there are missing levers because of my grandma and her proclivity to fashioning weapons out of random objects.

I called Grandma to thank her for the cat supplies. We chatted about my cats (as cat ladies tend to do) and then she said, "Did you find the other thing in the bag?"

"Yeah, I got the stick."

Grandma was pleased. "Good. I want you to put that in your car and you use that if you need to. Can you believe how heavy those things are?"

"Grandma, I don't know how effective it will be against a mugger. Plus, I have pepper spray. And not only that, no one wants to mess with me. I'm crazy."

She laughed. "Honey, I've been watching television lately and you need to be aware of your surroundings. These girls go into a gas station and the next thing you know some deviant follows them out and attacks them. And with all these TV shows showing such sick violence... television is creating rapists and criminals."

Aha. She'd been watching Dateline and Criminal Minds. I decided NOT to tell her about the date I was going on the next day with a guy I'd technically never met in person. And that he and I had openly joked that one of us was probably a serial killer, it was just a matter of figuring out whether it was him or me.

"Well... OK. I'll carry it. But I'm fine, Grandma."

The next thing she said is why my grandma is fucking amazing: "You just keep it in your car and use it if you need to. I don't care if you beat the hell out of someone, you just say you had a recliner in your car to take in for repairs and the lever fell off and was still in your car. I'll vouch for you. Then you won't get in trouble for having a concealed weapon."

This is the woman who called a BOMB THREAT into a bar years ago because my uncle, her son, got jumped while hanging out there. This is the woman who sat with me two summers ago at my aunt's campground and drank clamdiggers with me til we both were buzzed. This is the woman who came over to go swimming with me and my aunt and my friends and did not bat an eye when her precious granddaughter (me) drank too much boxed wine and decided to swim topless. At noon. On a Sunday.

Grandma and I have had our differences. But over the years, we've bridged a gap and I can tell this lady anything. We've discussed sex, marriage, drinking, life... I don't talk to her nearly as much as I should. Which is why I'm going to carry that damn chair lever in my car... or maybe in my purse... I mean, come on- would you mess with THIS?



I know I wouldn't.

Thanks, Grandma. This will come in handy should I ever find myself about to be stuffed in the trunk of some dude's car. Or stuffing some dude in the trunk of MY car.