Now that we've established that you are, in fact, a girl and your name will be Lucy, some things have been weighing on my mind. First of all, let me say I am thrilled to no end that I will soon have a niece. You see, your Aunt Amanda is doomed to grow old childless except for about 75 or so cats (we call women like this Crazy Cat Ladies) so the arrival of a little girl she can spoil and play with and feed Pixie Stix to and then send her back home to her mother will be one of the highlights of her adult life.
That being said, I'm concerned about a few things. You're going to be gorgeous. This is inevitable. Your mother is gorgeous. Your father is hot. The odds that you will be anything less than a ten on the looks scale are slim to none. This means that when you get older, boys will chase you. This is not satisfactory to Aunt Amanda. Boys are evil, scheming beings whose sole purpose in life is to make us crazy. They hurt our feelings, they forget anniversaries and they are messy. Some of them smell bad. Some of them don't like holding jobs. Some of them smoke pot in your parents driveway.
Unacceptable, my dear niece. Totally unacceptable.
For this reason, I regret to inform you, little unborn cherub, that you will not be dating till you are 30 and I will be screening your potential suitors. By the time you reach 30, I will have likely met every kind of jackass (pardon my language- atually, never mind that- you've probably already heard that word and more since you're in your mother's belly when she drives- she's an angry little woman who has zero tolerance for stupid drivers... or other drivers in general) on the face of this earth and will be able to detect them on sight. I'm sure I will own several guns and a taser since I will be 58 (pesky weapon laws be damned!), so should any of these aforementioned jackasses have a problem with Crazy Aunt Amanda telling them to hit the road because they're just not good enough for her precious niece, her arsenal can do the rest of the talking (don't fret- I have a large backyard and shovel- they won't be missed and my lawn could use the fertilizer).
With that out of the way, let's rewind back to education. I am hoping like hell you get Aunt Amanda's brains. I'm not sure how your daddy did in school but your mother, God love her, well... she's really, really good at doing hair. And if she sees this and gets mad I have but one thing to say: "What kind of eggs do squirrels lay?"
Yeah. She asked that once. I blame myself, partially. I dropped her on her head when she was a wee lass. It was not intentional, contrary to what Grandma Linda thinks. Your mother had a giant head when she was small, see, and my five year old body simply could not compensate for how top heavy her bulbous noggin made her when she was being carried.
I didn't even get to ride in the ambulance. They left me behind, probably with a weird neighbor. Can you believe that?
Anyway. Education. Aunt Amanda needs you to do well in school. You're already going to be beautiful but you cannot coast through life on beauty alone, especially since you're going to be the CEO of your own company by the time you're 28. If you want to screw around a little in kindergarten, I'll allow it. Eat some paste. Bite a few kids. Throw blocks. Pee your pants on purpose. But from first grade on out you're gonna have to buckle down and pull straight A's.
For every A you get, Aunt Amanda will give you a kitten. I was going to say I'd give you $10 but I am sure I will be a broke cat lady so the best I can offer you is the offspring of my 75 cats- I can't watch them all the time so they're bound to reproduce (hey, how do you think YOU got here?).
I'm sorry to tell you that you'll be going to an all-girls college, if such a thing even exists when you graduate high school with honors a year ahead of schedule. Boys will only distract you and mess things up with their general sloppiness and dumbassery. Boys in college are like crackheads in a Crack Store- they just go nuts, start snorting anything they can get their hands on and urinate in public.
Translation: college boys are like retarded cavemen so we must avoid them.
If we can't place you in an all-girls college, I will simply sell a few of my cats and hire you a bodyguard. A FEMALE bodyguard- there's this really old movie called The Bodyguard and I've seen it and therefore I know what happens when the bodyguard is a male. No WAY.
I plan to write you more letters. The subject of the next one will be your mother... I have to devote an entire letter solely to this topic. You'll understand why when you read it.
Well, Lucy, I have to go pry a cat off my leather couch. You just keep growing and kicking the hell out of your mama for me, OK? Oh, and please put pressure on her bladder from time to time. I know, I know- it's a little mean but it's also very funny.
(If you have my sense of humor, you'll do it.)
Love always and forever,
Aunt Amanda
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