My New Year's Resolutions... Six Months Later...

I have decided I need to make a few changes in my life. That's right, losing my job, getting a divorce, having my heart broken, finding a new job and re-entering the dating scene all in under a year and a half isn't enough for me.

I just crave excitement, I guess.

Anyway. I figured actually sharing them with the 21 people who subscribe to this blog (and the creepers who lurk and read anonymously- you know who you are... Hi!) would hold me more accountable for making the changes happen.

Don't worry; they aren't TOO drastic. For example, I am not giving up alcohol. That would just be fucking crazy. What would I even do?? Ugh. I don't even want to think about such a thing, so let's get to it:

I Will Walk My Asshole Dog Every Day

I can call him an asshole because he's mine. YOU, however, cannot.

He's very high strung and part of that is my fault. By the time I get home from work each day during the week, I'm just coming down from an eight hour caffeine trip. So, while I'm ready to drop into bed, Joe Boxer is bouncing off the walls (I picture the thoughts in his head are a constant reel of something like this: "She's home! She's home! Oh, look, a cat to chase! Oh, look, she's home! What can I pee on? Oh, look, she's home! Toys! What can I drool on? Oh, look, a cat to chase! Pee. Pee. Pee. Oh, boy she's home!").

I can avoid his spastic fits by walking him as soon as I get home regardless of how tired I am.

Proof? This is him after our walk today:

On the other hand, this is Joe on any given day when a walk is NOT involved:

All up in my grill and shit.

I Will Have Abs like J-Lo.

I don't care what I have to do. I will use ItWorks! wraps till my skin melts off. I will do assloads of situps every day. I will stop eating ice cream sandwiches.

I will even boycott McDonalds, even though they'll likely go out of business without me.

I'm tired of having a muffin top. I need to look good while I'm still young under thirty. Jennifer Lopez is almost 40, if not older, and she looks amazing. I'm 29 and I look frumpy. She's had fucking TWINS and her abs are pristine. I've had no babies and I can't even actually SEE my abs thanks to the layer of flab sitting on top of them.

Clock's ticking, bitch.

I Will Enjoy My Time Spent With My New Boyfriend

I'm sure he'll balk at the term "boyfriend" directed at him, but tough luck, baby! I'm only seeing you, I cut the other boys loose because you're awesome, so I have to put you into SOME kind of category (the alternative ain't pretty, trust me). Anyway, yeah. I'm going to enjoy all of the time we spend together and attempt to stop worrying about things waaaaay in the future. It's difficult to do at my age (I'm very sensitive about the fact that I'm 29 and I don't have a family of my own) but I'm going to try my hardest because (and this is the first time in a long time that I'm publicly giving props to a man because, well, most of them just didn't deserve it and I don't enjoy looking like a fool all that much) he and I have SO. MUCH. FUN. We have the same taste in music (it'll be identical once I get him to share my love of Lady Gaga and the awesomeness that is Ke$ha), he takes me places I've never been before (trying to make Amanda not be a recluse, I assume) and I can laugh with him.

Not to mention I find him extremely sexy.

So that's a big one, not ruining this. It should probably be at the top of my list. Oh, hey, scroll all the way to the bottom of this entry to see a picture of New Boyfriend.

In the interest of self-preservation, I hope he knows I'm quite the catch too and he better hang onto me.

There, I said it. It's part of my next change, which is:

I Will Not Be So Hard On Myself

I want to be more secure about myself. I want to like myself. Lately, I haven't done that at ALL. My inner voice is like that bully bitch in high school (come on, we've all known one) who tears me down constantly- I'm too chubby, my makeup doesn't look right, I said the wrong thing, I didn't get enough acomplished in a day... I want to reach a point where I can stop all that. I want to start accepting myself for who I am.

To an extent, I have tried to do this. I have been nothing but myself while dating, and it's cost me a few guys (hahahaa) who didn't seem to like Real Amanda. But those little heartbreaks were nothing a little vodka couldn't fix and, looking back, they weren't really heartbreaks at all. It was luck shining down on me and guiding me AWAY from the assholes.

I'll practice now: I'm fun. I'm pretty (ish). My boobs are really, really nice. I'm caring in my relationships. I'm a fairly good dog owner (see above). I can make people laugh. I stand up for what I believe. My eyes are such a nice blue.

Yeah, that's all I can muster. I feel like that Lords of Acid song
and it's making me feel all vain and big-headed.

I Will Be On Time For Stuff

I'm always late. I get it from my Aunt Karen, who is always at least half an hour late for everything (it doesn't top the time I was SIX HOURS late in going to New Boyfriend's house for the first time). I try to allow myself extra time to do things but it seems in the end I'm always rushing around and I'm STILL late. I almost made New Boyfriend late for a Tigers game once and I honestly don't know why he didn't kill me (my blue eyes or sparkling wit, I assume).

So, I'm going to make a sincere effort to be on time for things. A friend once told me, "If you're not fifteen minutes early, you're late." Words to live by.

Now I must go, as I'm super distracted because A) there's a squirrel on my porch B) I've had two beers and C) my friend Laura just texted me asking if I want some of her Busch (haha).








































































Just kidding- it's a picture of a squirrel with giant balls. I'm not showing you my boyfriend, creepers.