The List

I was speaking with my oh-so-wise and lovely mom the other day about how much relationships suck, how absolutely fucking wounded I am by this last breakup, how I will never love again, my heart is frozen, etc. etc. wah wah wah.

Mom politely listened like most of my friends did last week when they were trying to coax me out of bed and I refused, citing that I was waiting for the sweet release of death. Then she told me something that actually did NOT go in one ear and out the other: make a list. Sit down and make a list of all the qualities I want in a man and do not settle for anything less.

The smart ass in me immediately began making a mental checklist:

1. He cannot be emotionally dead.
2. He cannot be a 30 second man.
3. He must be willing to clean cat litter boxes.

Of course, this was just fluff compared to what I really would like in a man (not that I will ever find one, on account of my heart is dead and I am still waiting for the sweet release of death, see). I have been pondering it for a few days. It was difficult to get started because right now, I don't particularly care for men. I think they lie, I think they are cruel and I am convinced I shall grow old alone except for the hundred or so cats who will be living with me.

However.

In the unlikely event I do not remain an Ice Queen for the rest of my life (doesn't that sound deliciously tragic? "Her heart was broken by a demon-possessed schoolteacher, shattered to pieces... she was nearly destroyed until an alcohol induced epiphany came to her- she would be reborn. She would never be hurt again. She would be... Ice Queen!"*), I decided it would be a good idea to at least start The List. I was going to blog what I had so far here for you, lovely reader, but I thought that might be giving too much away. Men are wily creatures, you see. They will glean as many details as they can about you and what you like and use them against you to break your heart later. So, rather than giving another psycho all the tools he needs to hurt me, I devised this.

I took the liberty of including sidenotes to you, faithful reader. Just hover over the questions with your cursor to get my two cents (or, for some browsers, the application may pop up in rough format with my notes in parentheses. I'm new to this. Work with me). Keep in mind, this is only a rough draft and a finalized application may never be finished. Also, please, PLEASE do not try to fill it out. I am not currently taking applications for a new boyfriend.

After all, I'm an Ice Queen, remember?





*No stealing my idea! I've already promised the rights to my life story to my friend Tom in the event of my death, either at the hands of a stalker or heart failure. Of course, he has to give my infinitely wise mother a giant cut.